Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
