im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
