A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
