i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
