I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
