the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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