I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
