His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
