I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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