I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
