Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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