He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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