In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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