I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You smell like stripper and shame
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
is wine microwaveable?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
