im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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