You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up under a house in Key West
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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