I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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