i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
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SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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