I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
