Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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