Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
