I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
