Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
