I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
