sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
