How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
