My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
