Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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