Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
