I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
