I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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