You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
