Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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