omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
love makes seman taste better
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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