You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
