oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
