You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
