I heard we made out
I showed him my bush... on skype.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Alive.
So much puke
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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