I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
