So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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