u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
