I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
