I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
