Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
