Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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