if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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