You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
