Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
