dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
