it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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