I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
