I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
