your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
