I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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