How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just pee around me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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