She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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