You made me cry and you don't even care
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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