Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
